Over the years, I have approached various men — both successfully and unsuccessfully.
I initiated the flirting and conversations and intimacy. I have realized expression makes everything easier. Don’t bottle up your feelings for long — unless expression would ruin everything.
Think what is the worst that can happen.
In college, I approached a friend — we used to gel really well together — but he acted as if there was nothing. Hurt, I acted stupid and this rejection gave me the best-drunk story of my life. More on that in another article.
I have seen both men and women — who like each other — wait cross-armed.
We are shy and at times we don’t know how to express ourselves. That is where I want to help you. I have been rejected, reciprocated, embarrassed — but I have not stopped asking out men. Why should I? I want to confess to the men I like — that I like them and why do I like them — to take our relationship forward.
Do you wonder what kind of women do men like?
Everybody, especially men, says men are simple.
Studies in this article show that men put significantly more weight on their partner’s beauty when choosing, than women. Men avoided women whom they perceived to be smarter and more ambitious than them. The article quoted men as a gender of fragile egos in search of a pretty face and threatened by brains or success that exceeds their own.
In a BBC internet survey, out of the top three most desirable traits in a potential partner, men ranked good looks higher than women. Also, when it comes to makeup — a disputed concept — men have preferences such as full eye makeup, a specific contrast between eyes and lips and the surrounding skin and more.
Now you decide — are men simple?
When I asked men — my friends, my romantic interests and strangers over the internet — they said they like beautiful, sensible women, someone they can talk to, be themselves and comfortable around them. Of course, science suggests beauty matters a lot.
Do you ask yourself — why would I approach guys? Approaching men doesn’t make you any less of a woman. Don’t make it an ego issue.
It is nice to have the situation in your control sometimes. Rather than waiting for his Whatsapp message, you send a hi. Rather than just waiting for him to call you for drinks, you make beer plans. See, it is that easy.
When being suddenly approached, men do not get scared like women do sometimes. Relax. They are not expecting you to ask them out. So, you already get bonus brownies.
One of my friend’s ex-boyfriend did block me on Gmail when I told him I had a crush on him. But that is one out of many.
Do you like a man and are not sure if he likes you? He is a friend or at work or at a physical activity center or in a bar — read to find out that your partner could be around but maybe you are not noticing.
These subtle hints might show his interest.
He texts you to update what is happening in his life. A constant trend.
He watches you when you are not looking.
In a group, he sits next to you, walks next to you.
He tries to make you laugh; your reactions to his jokes matter.
He wants to go out with you for movies, dinner, and more.
He asks you what you want to eat, in a restaurant, before he asks anyone else.
But hints are like icing on the cake. Even if they are missing, go ahead, taste the cake.
Don’t Be Scared of Rejections
I suggested the same to men in my article on how to approach women. Read it to understand why rejections do not mean anything on a longer run.
Maybe he likes someone else. Or he is not looking for anything serious or temporary at that moment — a common cause. Or he is concentrating on only one aspect of his life: a startup, a new job. Men sometimes decide to put in all energy into that one thing because they can’t handle two at a time. Or they are hurt — so they want to maintain an emotional distance.
A Latin American man liked me but did not want to be serious. He was cheated upon and love was the last thing he was thinking about.
Let it go. Respect their choice. Else you would even ruin the friendship.
What to do once you have overcome the fear of rejection?
Grow Your Personality — For Yourself
Be mature, confident and attractive. Be comfortable with who you are, be honest, be a good human being, speak softly, care for others around you, work hard.
Read news, stay fit, engage in interesting conversations and not just makeup or clothes or Myntra sales. I am sorry to heavily generalize but I have to cover the worst-case scenarios. Like I did with men.
This is more than enough to live a good life. Then you would be ever ready to approach not only men but people in general.
Read my 30 life lessons from my 20’s to see what matters.
If You Are a Feminist — Believe in Equality
There is no bigger turn-off than an unequal treatment when you are all up for equality.
Why should he carry your bags always? My ex-boyfriend always insisted to carry mine. His reasoning was — he would not even notice the weight. He helped me out with what he was good at and I helped out with what I was good at — mostly food.
If he holds the door for you or pulls the chair out, please say thank you.
Sometimes open the doors for him — men also deserve being treated well.
At PVR, ask him the popcorn flavor he would like. Don’t just say your choice and cross your arms.
Pay for your own things or for both of you sometimes.
Hand over a tissue paper when he is struggling with a rice grain stuck in his beard.
Most men like long hairs — more feminine. There is nothing wrong if he likes long hair — do not lecture him on feminism. Like manliness — howsoever you define it — attract us, right?
We are not doing any favors to men by going out with them. Treat them well, as equals. Your beliefs and how you practice them are a part of your personality. By being honest about them makes everybody like you — especially men.
W. Somerset Maugham said, there is a fundamental difference between men and women — women need romance, men need intrigue.
Intrigue them. No need for pick-up lines and techniques.
Walk up to them, say hi, look into their eyes, smile, introduce yourself, and start a conversation. Show interest in their interests.
Do not ask straight away. Don’t ask stupid questions. Keep a good open body language, relax your shoulders. Chose the right place.
If they maintain long or intense or frequent eye contact, they are interested. If you see them smiling and engaged, buy them a coffee or a drink.
Be genuine, express your interest, maintain some distance — you should be good to go.
Leave Subtle Hints
He might ask you out.
A quick kiss on the cheek — it is explicit but subtle. Look into his eyes and act lost. He would understand.
I asked a real estate startup guy, who was showing me houses, about another house showed by an agent — a clear sign of interest. I dated him for two years.
Brush his arm — intimate and subtle. Jean Smith, a flirtologist, says, touch — even a simple brush on the shoulder — generates a positive physiological response. It gets you out of friend zone and makes you special.
Act shy and smile. Laugh at his jokes.
Understand him and compliment meaningfully. It makes you special and suggests that you might like him.
Remember Sigmund Freud’s saying — We have to soften them, not weaken.
Explicitly ask him out
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche said, “Women make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.”
Women — men like being asked out. Give them that high. Pull them out of the shoes of the eternal pursuer.
Many friends, acquaintances and online articles have nodded to this. Men also like to be shown interest in. That someone wants to take them out to a movie or a stand-up comedy or a dinner or coffee or ice cream or maybe send them flowers. It makes them feel desired. That you find them handsome, interesting and fun or maybe just sexy.
They find a good restaurant, talk to their friends about it, and get their hopes high. They smile and laugh often.
I have asked out many men and the reactions were stupendous.
Of course, they should know if you ask them out. Not like Rachel in a Friends episode when she ends up giving both the game tickets to a man, when instead she wanted to take him out on a date.
Be straightforward. Ask them what they think of relationships or casual dating. Clear your intentions. As William Shakespeare said — “Women speak two languages — one of which is verbal” — please use the verbal one.
What Not to Do and When to Stop
Don’t keep sending messages if they don’t respond.
If they keep looking around in a conversation — stop.
Don’t hammer them with how good you are. It makes us uninteresting.
Pursue them but not too much. Let them also work a little bit if they like you.
Don’t wait too long — else you might never get the chance.
Life is going by today while you are busy planning tomorrow. Don’t just wait for life, make it happen.
Let me know how it works out for you.