All of us — men and women — think that we need seductive powers to approach people. No. Approaching people — some of whom might be our romantic interests — need confidence and social skills. It is not a mission — it is a day to day activity. You need to make people comfortable around you. No magic tricks, no email courses, no guides, no love gurus can teach you this.
To understand how to approach women, let us look at what are women exactly looking for.
You might be disappointed with women for being choosy and thoughtful. Hundreds of times we say — let us be friends, I never thought about you like that, how could you even think so, I like that man better, I don’t know and more.
Many studies and people — Independent UK website, Wikipedia, science articles, Darwin’s theory of sexual selection, David M. Buss’s book — The Evolution Of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating, Dr Gerald Stein, a psychotherapist — suggest that a woman does not straightforwardly select a man who displays all of her desired qualities; women are prudent about the partner because they reproduce.
Selecting a long-term mate is extraordinarily complex as it involves at least a dozen preferences, each of which corresponds to survival and her offspring. Women want an admirable role model for their children, an assertive, capable man who can take on the world. Our mating preferences also change with our fertility cycle.
Conclusion — we seem to be finding a father for our unborn children all the time. I am not even a kid enthusiast, but science suggests that I am searching for a man who would be a good father.
To cut it short — Do not blame us.
Also Read: Why Do We Need a Life Partner and Where to Find One
How to Approach Women?
Don’t Be Scared of Rejections
More often than not, men sometimes do not approach out of fear of rejection. Instead, they swirl around the idea and flirt. When confronted, they act oblivious.
A friend of a friend always flirted with me but never said anything until I confronted. He had liked me since the first time he saw me but was never going to be explicit.
It is no one’s fault. Men have been rejected, sometimes badly, have lost friends, and have been blocked. Men — recall those experiences — what went wrong? Were you too persuasive? Maybe, that is why she got scared. Though not all those dismissed phone calls or blocked Facebook accounts are justified.
But if you never approach, you have already failed. Chen Lizra, an art of seduction expert, said, the fearlessness of failure is a significant capability. Use it properly.
On a longer run, rejections don’t mean anything.
When you ask out a stranger, she is rejecting you by your first impression — not on who you are. If a friend or an acquaintance is rejecting you — it is because they are not romantically interested. Tell me — how would it work if we all get the first person we like?
Answers these questions which instill fear of rejection.
Also Read: 15 Things We Care Too Much About
Is she too cool for me?
A friend asked, “She wants to climb Kilimanjaro. How can I ever match that?”
I winked and said, “By climbing Kilimanjaro.”
It is better — she offers something extra. Maybe you are cooler in ways you don’t know. Give it a try.
Is she too hot or beautiful?
“I cannot ask her out. We are all out of her league.” Akash said.
Remember, she is alone. Maybe, others also thought what you are thinking. Or it did not work out.
A good sense of humor and an interesting personality bridges the beauty gaps. I explicitly asked some of my friends if the looks did not matter, and they said — no. If you like someone, you start finding them attractive and good looking. I agree.
Human male population does not have peacock plumes. Believe me; we are not searching for Brad Pitt anymore.
Is she too successful?
She might be. What parameters define success? Job, money, education?
Choose your parameters and not the world’s. Does she earn more? Get over it. I am sure you are better at something else.
Cross over these questions forever and move onto the next points.
Also Read: An Open Letter to My Mind
Grow Your Personality
Develop into a mature, confident and an attractive man. Be comfortable with who you are — maybe not too much, be honest, be a good human being, speak softly, care for others around you, work hard — that is more than enough to live a good life. Then you would be ever ready to approach not only women but people in general.
Read my 30 life lessons from my 20’s to see what matters.
Fix the Basics
Radha said, “I like him. I think he does too. But there is a minor issue.” After a brief pause, she added, “He has bad breath.”
She thought she was not attracted to him. She just got repelled by one simple curable thing.
Use deodorant and mouth freshener. Brush your teeth daily. Cut your nails. Clean your ears. Wash your hair properly. Buy decent trousers and t-shirts — not the sparkly ones with weird captions. Do not wear sports shoes all the time. Try to dress as per the occasion and place. Do not keep short military hair and say it is hot.
Do not be pregnant yet. If you are trying on a fit woman, she would want you to inhale your paunch. Don’t just say you are too lazy.
Follow basic hygiene taught in school coupled up with an average wardrobe.
Makes sense? More than half of your problems are already solved.
If you are forgetful, put up posters on your bathroom door with kids waking up with rising sun and brushing their teeth. If you still forget, join the Night Watch (Reference: Game of Thrones).
Also Read: How to Make a Schedule – To Live and Work Better
Don’t Wait Too Long
She would not know about your feelings unless told. I am sorry — but that is how we are. When it is obvious, we might guess.
An ex-colleague used to stare at me all the time. I knew he liked me. But do you want that girl to remember you — as I remember him? No.
A close friend who liked me followed me back and forth in my house one day when we were together; I was scared. He should have said something earlier.
Please say it before the liking becomes an obsession and comes out all wrong.
Act Impulsively — Sometimes
A Dutchman kissed me the first day we met. Months later we both are planning to travel together. You see — how small an action it takes?
A co-founder of a real estate startup showed me a house and asked me out for a coffee just after. We ended up dating for two years.
I called a friend home for beers after a party, and he told me the same night that he liked me.
Also Read: Let Your Life Flow Freely – She Knows Her Course Better than You Do.
Ask Her Out
Let me break the ice to you — women love to be approached as it makes us feel desired. That you find us beautiful, interesting and fun or maybe just sexy.
It makes us go to the parlor, talk to our friends about it, and laugh harder at work.
Though it happens rarely. Especially, when we know. I have gone to dinner many times, without even realizing I am going out on a date.
Always explicitly ask her, don’t make a statement telling her that you are going out together. It is confusing.
Stay the Course
A not-at-all-my-kind-of friend of a friend pursued me enough that I said yes. A six-year-younger man with a golden heart made me notice him by being the sweetest and calling me out to restaurants, drinks, and weekend trips. The possibility of being with him did hit me, unconsciously.
Be there long enough — decently — for her to be able to decide. Remember — we have a complicated decision process.
Also Read: Indian Marriage Conundrum – How I Hold My Ground as an Unmarried 30–Year–Old Woman.
Be Confident
First Impressions matter. Walk up to her confidently. Make eye contact. Introduce yourself. Engage her in a conversation. Make her laugh. Do not ask straight away. We are naturally suspicious, and a conversation shows interest. Don’t ask stupid questions. Keep a good open body language, relax your shoulders, smile. Chose the right place.
We do not want to be the end goal of your mission. No need for pick-up lines and techniques. Your attention and an engaging conversation are more than enough.
I agree with Mark Lambert from Seduce With Personality — if a woman feels you are a pleasant guy, she will talk to you.
As Chen Lizra said — be a little vulnerable, it is seductive.
If we maintain prolonged or intense or frequent eye contact, we are interested. If we are laughing and engaged, buy us a coffee or a drink.
A woman Reddited her story about being asked out — I had a guy come up to me at work and said I’ve never done something like this before, but I just had to tell you that you are beautiful and see if I could take you out sometime. She said if she weren’t married, she would have said yes.
Be genuine, express your interest, maintain some distance — you should be good to go.
Make Her Notice You
Understand her and compliment meaningfully. A man once complimented my friend on how she always gave water to others first. I had never seen her blush that hard.
It suggests that you might like her. She starts noticing you.
Jean Smith, a flirtologist, says touch — as simple as a brush on the shoulder — generates a positive physiological response. A simple brush can get you out of friend zone and makes you unique — especially when you do it only with her.
Ask for the Right Contact
Phone number or email or Facebook? — Facebook. It is easier for you to send a Facebook message rather than an email — a bit formal and phone — a bit personal. Stay in between.
Also Read: Our Sedated Attention: Is Social Media the Drug?
What Not to Do and When to Stop
Don’t corner us; we get frightened. We have been harassed or groped, so we are cautious.
Don’t send messages if we don’t respond.
Don’t stare without the intention of approaching.
If we look around or squirm in our seat. Stop.
Don’t hammer us with how good you are. You become uninteresting.
Pursue us but not too much. Let us also work a little bit if we like you.
Also Read: An Open Letter From a Privileged Indian Woman to India and The World
Remember, different women want different things. Get your basics right, approach a woman, if it does not work out, don’t change your approach — until you find someone who reciprocates to your style.
Do you still have questions on how to approach women? Let me know in comments, please.
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Thanks Priyanka for writing this article 🙂
As a kid, my first love outside my family was physics. Life was good to me, got admitted to IIT. The 4 years were best time of my life. I had friends, and a relationship with girl who was my school mate. After getting into IIT, I mustered some courage to talk to her, and she responded. We were in constant touch all those years. After graduating I started preparing for civils, as I wasn’t much motivated with money and wanted to do something bigger. But life was having other plans. She was doing her MBA, and her family indicated to her that they don’t want inter caste marriage with certain castes which included my caste. She started getting tense, I proposed her to which after a month she said yes. But her hesitations remained. After a lot of months, she said she doesn’t want the day to arrive where she would have to choose between me and her family and that she won’t be never happy if she had to leave either.
She kept asking me to move on, so that she could move on. But I never understood how could I move on when I did love her, how could I just leave. I did at least wanted to try to make situations right. I decided to wait for her to clear her mind and take any decision (I was fine for her not choosing me), and also I told her that if I clear the exam I would talk to her family and may be they will agree (civil service is big in traditional society). I see now, all these were naïve thoughts (but they were innocent emotions too, and I respect that).
Afterwards, 3 painful year fast forward. I gave several mains exam but couldn’t clear them. She had been doing job in MNC and was much confident now. I used to text her every month just to keep touch, and she generally didn’t respond. But also didn’t say no in relationship. By no I mean- she didn’t say she is not interested, it was always like she wants but her family don’t. I had that guilt that I couldn’t clear the exam and now we won’t be able to make it. I decided to tell her this but I was surprised that she had moved on already and didn’t felt the need to tell me- clearly once. In three years she couldn’t find enough time to face this and tell me honestly. I remember the last conversations, she was very aggressive, I was deeply hurt that she even didn’t remember much. Couldn’t say much to her, I just parted away.
She could not realize the pain I was going through, she felt me as a failure, and couldn’t even recognize the fact that I waited and tried to make things right for 3 years. And I waited because I was committed and not because that I didn’t had options.
I decided to give civil service one more time (not for her this time). But failed again. I wasn’t feeling motivated to do anything any longer. Confidence level had plummeted and mental health deteriorated with severe anxieties. Once my breadth stopped abruptly while sleeping and struggled to breath, my father took me to the doctor, and I remember coming out of the hospital, he told me that he didn’t want to see her only son die in front of him. I felt heartbroken and helpless, but this was something I could fight for.
I decided to start life from scratch. After fluctuating between taking up a coding job, or starting teaching physics, I took a leap of faith and joined a startup as a physics faculty. Worked unpaid for several months, as the startup was struggling. But money was not the issue, I wanted engagement in life. Physics did just that. I recovered slowly. After a year, I joined a big coaching institute. Finances improved drastically. Life started becoming gentle again.
I was always interested in photography, especially wildlife, so I finally bought my first dslr and started taking some good pics, the way I always wanted.
I still have to find my way ahead, the journey still continues…
But I feel:
First, it doesn’t matter how good gf or bf one is. What really matter is whether we acted humane when the time demanded.
Second, love is also there in life and the activities we do (my case photography, physics and teaching). It does make life joyful.
Third, it’s love we require in life, but we often confuse it with romantic relationships.
Lately, my mother, despite being old, look much more beautiful to me, as I remember the love she had for me. And I am like what I was searching outside was at home 🙂
PS: I know the grammar and language went haywire (it happens in emotional topics). But I hope it is understandable.
Thanks for telling your life story, Bhuvnesh. You found something remarkable amongst the pain, and believe it or not, that is what pain does. I am sorry for what happened but also happy for it made you become a whole being for yourself first, and do what you love and find meaning in, and not for anyone else. Love will come on its own. When there is humanity inside, love comes like an iron nail gets drawn to a magnet. I know there are many things unfair in life, sometimes love is unfair too. I hope you keep finding what you are looking for and I totally get that your mother seems most beautiful because her face shines with love and that is enough to keep anyone going. best wishes, Priyanka. Stay in touch.
Thanks a lot for these very kind words, they did have healing effect ?.
🙂
You are telling to make the girl laugh , have good sense of humor. But wohi toh nahi hota.The Moment i go near any girl, the heart starts beating fast.I am unable to think or for that matter speak.
How to overcome this ?
When I try to talk ,they react like i sound boring .At times, even in my friends group,my friends do not like me much.They rarely wish to talk to me .I am feeling depressed and lonely all the time.
Hey Akash,
Thanks for visiting and reading my blog.
I think a lot of girls and boys have been where you are. We all have felt scared. But once you leave that fear of initiation and go for it, everything become easier.
Be confident and do not worry too much about reaction. Keep trying. If they find you boring, it is okay. One day there would be someone who would not find you boring. I am sure your friends like you. If they don’t, why are they friends with you? You should be friends with people, who like you and appreciate you. Always remember that. Don’t be depressed. We all have a purpose in life. We are all adding up to universe in our own way. So, keep working, feel important, make friends who value you and love you, and approach any girl you want. 🙂
Cheer up. Keep reading. Stay connected. Hope this helps 🙂
I think all of this is for people with too much of time and too little responsibilities.
Dating is overhyped. Marriage is better. It makes people work at a relationship, unlike dsting where it is too easy to move on to the next shiny thing, to chase the novelty factor.
If one wants depth, marry. Take responsibilities together – of house, of parents, of kids. Have a common hobby or a purpose – perhaps play a sport together or teach poor kids together. And then there would be long term bliss in the relationship rather than only the initial fluttering of hearts.
And if it is an arranged one, even better. Realistic expectations. Support of families. Limited time to waste in inanities in the name of dating or self discovery or that “perfect soulmate”.
Thanks for visiting Vihar and leaving your genuine opinion. I really appreciate that.
I think everything is overhyped. It is the small things that matter.
Dating takes you into marriage, that is what I believe. I agree with you. These days people take dating and relationships very lightly. Because you can just say I am breaking up and move on. But in marriage too people are so irresponsible and dishonest sometimes. In any relationship – you need to work on it to make anything out of it. It is upto you if you want to make it into anything or not. Marriage is also a relationship – it is accepted in our society that is all. But when you love someone or you think you would spend your life with them – you need to work on that relationship. Relationship could be as serious and sincere as you want it to be. You can have a house together, do grocery shopping together, workout together, see where you would take it. If you want it to be socially accepted, marry. If not, maybe you are not serious enough, else why would you let go of that person. It is all our mindsets and priorities.
Arranged marriage – well, I am not up for that. I would like to know my partner beforehand. But I know a lot of people are. No matter how you start the relationship – by dating or by marriage – it would consume time. You would get to know each other by the time you spend with each other. What if things don’t work out after marriage in this knowing each other process? Isn’t it better to run that risk beforehand? Of course, you can never know for sure. I know love marriages that broke. So it is all a leap of faith. The difference being who is ready to jump how much farther.
Thanks Vihar 🙂 Please stay connected and keep leaving your opinions.
Vihar you are a sheep. No further explanation needed.
Great advice! I agree that men shouldn’t change their approach, UNLESS the approach is disrespectful to the woman. My most valuable tip for men, is that no means no. It doesn’t matter the situation, if the woman says no… She means it! Aside from that, I think what you’ve said is great 🙂
Thanks Kate for visiting and sharing your opinion. I agree with you – a no means a no.
Please stay connected 🙂