All of us — men and women — think that we need seductive powers to approach people. No. Approaching people — some of whom might be our romantic interests — needs confidence and social skills. It is not a mission — it is a day to day activity. You need to make people comformable around you. No magic tricks, no email courses, no guides, no love gurus can teach you this.
To understand how to approach women, let us look at what are women exactly looking for.
You might be disappointed with women for being choosy and thoughtful. Hundreds of times we say — let us be friends, I never thought about you like that, how could you even think so, I like that man better, I don’t know and more.
Many studies and people — Independent UK website, Wikipedia, science articles, Darwin’s theory of sexual selection, David M. Buss’s book — The Evolution Of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating, Dr Gerald Stein, a psychotherapist — suggest that a woman does not straightforwardly select a man who displays all of her desired qualities; women are prudent about the partner because they reproduce.
Selecting a long-term mate is extraordinarily complex as it involves at least a dozen preferences, each of which corresponds to survival and her offspring. Women want an admirable role model for their children, an assertive, capable man who can take on the world. Our mating preferences also change with our fertility cycle.
Conclusion — we seem to be finding a father for our unborn children all the time. I am not even a kid enthusiast but science suggests that I am searching for a man who would be a good father.
To cut it short — Do not blame us.
Read my last post on where to find a life partner. Then move on to approaching those women if you have not given up yet.
Don’t Be Scared of Rejections
More often than not, men sometimes do not approach out of fear of rejection. Instead, they swirl around the idea and flirt. When confronted, they act oblivious.
A friend of a friend always flirted with me but never said anything until I confronted. He had liked me since the first time he saw me but was never going to be explicit.
It is no one’s fault. Men have been rejected, sometimes badly, have lost friends, and have been blocked. Men — recall those experiences — what went wrong? Were you too persuasive? Maybe, that is why she got scared. Though not all those dismissed phone calls or blocked Facebook accounts are justified.
But if you never approach, you have already failed. Chen Lizra, an art of seduction expert, said, the fearlessness of failure is a great capability. Use it properly.
On a longer run, rejections don’t mean anything.
When you ask out a stranger, she is rejecting you on the basis of your first impression — not on who you really are. If a friend or an acquaintance is rejecting you — it is because they are not romantically interested. Tell me — how would it work if we all get the first person we like?
Answers these questions which instill fear of rejection.
Is she too cool for me?
A friend asked, “She wants to climb Kilimanjaro. How can I ever match that?”
I winked and said, “By climbing Kilimanjaro.”
It is better — she offers something extra. Maybe you are cooler in ways you yourself don’t know. Give it a try.
Is she too hot or beautiful?
“I cannot ask her out. We are all out of her league.” Akash said.
Remember, she is alone. Maybe, others also thought what you are thinking. Or it did not work out.
A good sense of humor and an interesting personality bridges the beauty gaps. I explicitly asked some of my friends if the looks did not matter, and they said — no. If you like someone, you start finding them attractive and good looking. I agree.
Human male population does not have peacock plumes. Believe me, we are not searching for Brad Pitt anymore.
Is she too successful?
She might be. What parameters define success? Job, money, education?
Choose your own parameters and not the world’s. She earns more? Get over it. I am sure you are better at something else.
Cross over these questions forever and move onto the next points.
Grow Your Personality
Develop into a mature, confident and an attractive man. Be comfortable with who you are — maybe not too much, be honest, be a good human being, speak softly, care for others around you, work hard — that is more than enough to live a good life. Then you would be ever ready to approach not only women but people in general.
Read my 30 life lessons from my 20’s to see what matters.
Fix the Basics
Radha said, “I like him. I think he does too. But there is a minor issue.” After a brief pause, she added, “He has bad breath.”
She thought she was not attracted to him. Actually, she just got repelled by one simple curable thing.
Use deodorant and mouth freshener. Brush your teeth daily. Cut your nails. Clean your ears. Wash your hair properly. Buy good clothes, nice t-shirts — not the sparkly ones with weird captions. Do not wear sports shoes all the time. Try to dress as per the occasion and place. Do not keep military short hair and say it is hot.
Do not be pregnant yet. If you are trying on a fit woman, she would want you to inhale your paunch. Don’t just say you are too lazy.
Follow basic hygiene taught in school coupled up with an average wardrobe.
Makes sense? More than half of your problems are already solved.
If you are forgetful, put up posters on your bathroom door with kids waking up with rising sun and brushing their teeth. If you still forget, join the Night Watch (Reference: Game of Thrones).
Don’t Wait Too Long
She would not know about your feelings unless told. I am sorry — but that is how we are. When it is obvious, we might guess.
An ex-colleague used to stare at me all the time. I knew he liked me. But do you want that girl to remember you — like I remember him? No.
A close friend who really liked me followed me back and forth in my house one day when we were together; I was scared. He should have said something earlier.
Please say it before the liking becomes an obsession and comes out all wrong.
Act Impulsively — Sometimes
A Dutch man kissed me the first day we met. Months later we both are planning to travel together. You see — how small an action it takes?
A co-founder of a real estate startup showed me a house and asked me out for a coffee just after. We ended up dating for two years.
I called a friend home for beers after a party and he told me the same night that he liked me.
Ask Her Out
Let me break the ice to you — women love to be approached as it makes us feel desired. That you find us beautiful, interesting and fun or maybe just sexy.
It makes us go to the parlor, talk to our friends about it, and laugh harder at work.
Though it happens rarely. Especially, when we know. I have gone to dinner many times, without even realizing I am going out on a date.
Always explicitly ask her, don’t make a statement telling her that you are going out together. It is confusing.
Stay the Course
A not-at-all-my-kind-of friend of a friend pursued me enough that I said yes. A six-year-younger man with a golden heart made me notice him by being the sweetest and calling me out to restaurants, drinks, and weekend trips. The possibility of being with him did hit me, unconsciously.
Be there long enough — decently — for her to be able to decide. Remember — we have a complex decision process.
First Impressions matter. Walk up to her confidently. Make eye contact. Introduce yourself. Engage her in a conversation. Make her laugh. Do not ask straight away. We are naturally suspicious and a conversation shows interest. Don’t ask stupid questions. Keep a good open body language, relax your shoulders, smile. Chose the right place.
We do not want to be the end goal of your mission. No need for pick-up lines and techniques. Your attention and an interesting conversation are more than enough.
I agree with Mark Lambert from Seduce With Personality — if a woman feels you are a pleasant guy, she would talk to you.
As Chen Lizra said — be a little vulnerable, it is seductive.
If we maintain prolonged or intense or frequent eye contact, we are interested. If we are laughing and engaged, buy us a coffee or a drink.
A woman Reddited her story about being asked out — I had a guy come up to me at work and said I’ve never done something like this before but I just had to tell you that you are beautiful and see if I could take you out sometime. She said if she wasn’t married, she would have said yes.
Be genuine, express your interest, maintain some distance — you should be good to go.
Make Her Notice You
Understand her and compliment meaningfully. A man once complimented my friend on how she always gave water to others first. I had never seen her blush that hard.
It suggests that you might like her. She starts noticing you.
Jean Smith, a flirtologist, says touch — as simple as a brush on the shoulder — generates a positive physiological response. A simple brush can get you out of friend zone and makes you special — especially when you do it only with her.
Ask for the Right Contact
Phone number or email or Facebook? — Facebook. It is easier for you to send a Facebook message rather than an email — a bit formal and phone — a bit personal. Stay in between.
What Not to Do and When to Stop
Don’t corner us, we get frightened. We have been harassed or groped, so we are cautious.
Don’t send messages if we don’t respond.
Don’t stare without the intention of approaching.
If we look around or squirm in our seat. Stop.
Don’t hammer us with how good you are. You become uninteresting.
Pursue us but not too much. Let us also work a little bit if we like you.
Remember, different women want different things. Get your basics right, approach a woman, if it does not work out, don’t change your approach — until you find someone who reciprocates to your style.
Let me know how it works out.
Women, watch out for the next post on approaching men.